Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The adventures of Wee Dougie Alexander aged 41 and a half

I'm so excited. My best friend, because he tells me he is, Gordon has sent me to the Afghan province of Drugistan to get 1 minute on the TV news. He must really like me.

Isn't it great I'm going to be on the Telly ! ( I think my BF Gordon is rewarding me for running the Scottish elections so well when Sis let him down so badly by losing ).

Anyway I've lost count of the different nations (helicopters ) I've seen out here. I wonder what the British ones look like ? My BF Gordon tells me there are loads of em.

I've been shown round the town we keep taking then letting the Taliban take over again under very clever local agreements. I met a Doctor who was kidnapped last night last night and had to deny any contact at all with us Brits to get released, that's how good security is in the main towns.

Anyway I got to meet the chief war lord administrator for the area. He asked if I wanted a honoured cushion to sit on - which I'm sure the SAS minder mistranslated as a "booster cushion".

He wants loads of British money to pay off the Taliban so they don't kill us any more. My BF might go for it as it would be his Northern Ireland peace process - though he has got kind of funny about money since he started printing so much of it over at the Bank of England.

Mr Al Opium Trader, as my SAS minder calls him, is also a bit worried about the impact of democracy. I explained to him he doesn't need to worry - after all my BF is prime minister and no one elected him !

Who would of thought that I'd get such a big and important job as International Development Secretary ( which I'm sure outranks the chav who my BF made Defence Sec as his latest joke after giving his other mate the job part time ), and now here I am helping my BF save the world from for democracy!

6 comments:

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Excellent.

James Higham said...

Who would of thought that I'd get such a big and important job as International Development Secretary ( which I'm sure outranks the chav who my BF made Defence Sec as his latest joke after giving his other mate the job part time )

You're a natural with prose like that!

North Northwester said...

Silly week, huh?

This is so funny and you make it look so relaxed and uncontrived and natural.

I hate you.


;-)

Anonymous said...

brilliant, but am I the only one reading BF as Boyfriend?

Man in a Shed said...

@Anon - interesting, but not intended and probably libellous. So I mean Best Friend. Perhaps the same generational issues as using the word "Gay" these days.

Bill Quango MP said...

Anon: I read it that way too.

From today's papers.

New power source will light the Olympic village without carbon emissions.
The power plant will be maintained at full capacity entirely by the energy contained within Gordon Brown's obstinacy,Harriet Harman's ambition and David Milibands's Cowardice.

However a Tory spokesperson claimed that these people will be historical footnotes by the time of the Olympics.
William Entitlement-Troughington, MP for West Bummblingham, said "This scheme will never work. There is little chance of the lights staying on in any part of the UK after 2010.Labour couldn't run a bath, despite the fact they are an utter shower."

However a spokesperson for the acting Prime Minister countered "While Gordon Brown may not be Prime Minister after 2010 he will continue to generate significant amounts of resentment,bitterness and wrath. He will continue to provide valuable service to his country by using his legendary towering rage,animosity, anger and tantrums to generate a seething river of bile,gall and ferment that will be used as a fuel source for the new generation of 'brown' power stations.
There are currently three brown power stations in Scotland. Scowl,Frown and Huff with a further two, Fume and Grudge to come on stream in the next decade.
There is also a huge potential for capturing the power generated by the gnashing of teeth. Britain is expected to lead the world in this technology. As soon as the election is over we will have very many more cases to experiment with."

Mark Oaten, Lib Dem, claimed that he was already working on a completely self-contained and inexhaustible, supply of 'Brown' fuel of his own.